Lately, I have been reminiscing about my past relationships and the joy I thought they brought me. Last night, it really hit me I was single when I became lonely laying on the couch and realized there was no one I could call to comfort me. Wow. That was more for me to pour out than normal. I guess, it became crazy for me to say I’m celibate. ONE OF THE HARDEST DECISIONS I HAD TO MAKE!!!! For some who may not be familiar with me, this blog seems crazy. Yes, I had to write about it, I have to share my journey. 

So many times I felt I was in love, and boy was I wrong. I STILL can’t define love in one term to you. I have spent my teenage years falling in and out of love. Defining myself by people and things surrounding me. After many failed attempts, I feel like a wounded solider hurt from a battle. But, I have to go a little deeper than that, I have to explain the details pushing me to this point. I remember laying next to someone and thinking, I just gave you a piece of me I can never replace and I barely knew anything about you. I mean, that is important, right? I just remember thinking, all of the love songs in the world couldn’t play a tune for the way my heart felt at the current moment. 

I had to stop giving different men something my husband would never have, my body and soul. And I constantly hear women bragging about the fact they aren’t virgins. Why? Save something. In this world we lose so much, the last thing I want to lose is myself, again. Especially to someone not worth having. This reason combined with many others begged my mind, body and soul to feel a void growing inside of me. I remember turning to Proverbs 31 and wanting to become a woman in Proverbs. A hard working woman my husband could be proud to walk beside. Instead of spending my time dodging certain parties so I did not find the guy I was sleeping with at the time, while attempting to form a union much deeper with the next boy. Thus, forcing me to break away from parties for a moment. I will share one story in this blog about a relationship I encountered and I hope someone out there will hear me and feel they are somewhat near. 

I will not say my age at this time, but this time was my first time. I remember having to inhale and exhale deep. I laid on the bed thinking, “oh em gee, this is about to be my first time.” It was one of the most painful experiences in my life. I wanted to say stop, but wait, I LOVED him. This was a sure way he would not leave me. Again, I was wrong. After two passionate minutes he lay panting on my chest and again I felt some sort of empty void. Later that day, we had an argument and he looked me in my eyes and told me, “sex was all I wanted and you were fresh.” WHAT? Talk about a real romantic evening. I was crushed. I remember calling my friends at the time and crying in the phone about how my life was over. It wasn’t. I’m still breathing, alive and kicking. I just have to remember no one is worth your soul. So, save it.